Growth.

Every time my thoughts turn back to this blog, I realize it has been A G E S since I’ve posted, & I miss it. But to be honest, when life is crazy with an almost 2 year old (how did that happen?!), a full time job, & a brand new house, it’s easy to get bogged down.

I have done a lot of self-reflection over the last year or so, & I realized something really scary: I’m not happy.

How could I not be? I have a sweet little boy, a loving husband, & all the support I could ever ask for. And what made it worse was that it felt like one day I was fine, but the next I woke up and everything was horrible. Soon those dark days turned into weeks, then months, & I felt hopeless. I pled with my husband & I was angry with the world & how it had betrayed me.

So I changed. Everything.

We packed up from Arizona, moved to North Carolina on a (sort of) whim. We lived with my sister for three months while we sold our home in Arizona and bought one in North Carolina. I started spending more time listening to uplifting things. I started a new job.

And now, I’m starting my blog again. This time, with no fear of judgement.

I am just trying to become the best version of me, & I finally realized that I deserve to do what it takes to be happy, but that my search for happiness is something within me.

Thank goodness for a supportive husband, the best friends & family in the world, & the love of my Heavenly Father. More to come soon.

Tender Moments.

Oh, how I wish I had been brave enough to share this before now. Today marks the beginning of a new, braver me.

I've decided to focus more effort into documenting this beautiful life & have spent some of my free time looking back through old blog posts. I came across this & all I can do is sit here in awe of how wonderful Heavenly Father's plan for me truly is. I wrote this in June of last year & have left it in draft mode ever since. Today, I can look back on those days of hormones, a new baby, & the tenderness of being a new mama with my heart full. Our son has brought so much joy to our family & while my heart still aches for that little one who left too soon, I am so grateful for the experience of motherhood & all it has taught me.

Friends, it has been a while since I have written and boy has this past year brought some big changes. For starters, I've been working full time & enjoying (nearly) every minute of it. My sweet dear husband has completed his first year of his Master's program. Our first child was born! And I'm sure there have been plenty of other milestones along the way. All in all, this year has been one for the books.

Little baby Gio was born just a week and a half ago, & it has been a wild ride already. This boy just makes our hearts melt every time we see his sweet face. He is so calm and relaxed, & rarely cries (lucky me!). His presence alone has brought so much love & the Spirit fills our home so much more abundantly. We sure love our little guy!

Now that we're all caught up on the happenings of the year, let's take a minute to talk about some of the most tender moments of life. I've been thinking about this blog for a while now & wanting to get back into the routine of writing, but it just hasn't happened. Today, I opened my blog email account & saw an email from myself entitled "Pregnancy After Miscarriage." I won't post the whole thing, but I will say that the most sacred, tender times of my life have been during my pregnancies & in the short time I've enjoyed motherhood.

Around the last time I blogged [August of 2015], I suffered an early miscarriage at six weeks. We were devastated, but wanted to keep trying. When I got pregnant again shortly thereafter, I really struggled to enjoy the pregnancy. I spent nearly 20 weeks doubled over in front of a toilet, absolutely loving the morning sickness because it meant I was still pregnant. When my belly started to grow, I couldn't help but beam at the miracle happening inside my body. But with each upcoming appointment, the anxiety of "is everything going to be okay?" crept up. Seeing that tiny heartbeat on the monitor reassured me until the next month, when the anxiety would come again.

Even in the wake of loss & the fear of a new pregnancy, I was able to feel the love of my Heavenly Father. During the sadness & anger & confusion, I heard Him say to me that everything would be okay, & I believed Him. Everything didn't feel okay for what seemed like forever, but eventually it was & I could move forward.

The loss I & so many others have experienced can be crippling, but I know that even in the midst of heartache, the sun does shine. I am one of the lucky ones; I am able to hold my dear son in my arms, & the sting of miscarriage feels like a distant memory. What I know is that everyone can feel the loving embrace of God, & of those around us. Some of the most tender & sacred moments of my life have been when I have felt so lost & lonely, where my Savior has come to the rescue to bring me out of the depths of sorrow.

Keep pushing forward, allow yourself to grieve, find a secure support system. The sun will shine again.



"He sees us worthy of rescue. You may feel that your life is in ruins. You may have sinned. You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you."

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Making a Home.

Today, I'm going to venture off to one of my all-time favorite hobbies: decorating my home. I've learned that there are some lesser-known rules to decorating that should be noted, so take some time to read through how making a home can make all the difference in your family.

1. No matter how temporary your current situation, making it feel like home will never be a waste.

I can't tell you how many times I've lived in some crappy apartment that I didn't really care about (ahem, now). Sometimes I feel like it's not important to make this place feel like a real home because it's temporary & I can't stop drooling over my Pinterest dream home board. But there's a distinct difference between living quarters & a home to make precious memories in. So even if it feels pointless, do what you can to make your house feel like home. It'll make a huge difference.

2. A small budget can go a long way.

Let me just say that my husband & I grew up in different worlds when it comes to finances. Marrying (pun intended) those different ideas has been a challenge to say the least, but over time we have found a balance. You don't have to spend a fortune; you can choose beautiful & timeless pieces at a low cost. Search clearance racks, thrift stores, yard sales, etc. etc. etc. There are so many options for finding things you love on a dime, you just have to be willing to search a little.

3. But quality pieces of furniture will last you a lifetime, so be willing to spend more for them.

There is always a benefit to purchasing quality furniture, particularly if you find a piece you love that will last a long time. I've made the mistake of buying something cheap for exactly that reason. Later on, I either don't like the piece or it gets ruined quickly. So prioritize your needs/wants & focus on what you can afford.

4. DIY when possible.

If you're able, doing it yourself can save you loads of money & you can create your own personalized items. I love to DIY because I love having unique pieces. Some of our favorite pieces are the ones we have made together (& we love the stories that come with them). So scour Pinterest for some tutorials, or find a piece that you can modify easily (i.e. paint or stain) if you're not into hardcore projects.

5. Family should be at the center of your decor.

This might seem a little weird, but if you think about the purpose of decorating your home, you're probably thinking that it is to look nice when others come over. While that may be true, you probably don't realize that your home & its decor also impacts your family. Think of calm, soothing tones that can help your family to feel at peace when they are home. Add some personal family photos & uplifting quotes to inspire & encourage your family. Think about how you feel when you are in different areas of your home & how you can improve those areas to benefit your family.

Home is such an important place. There are small things you can do to make a huge impact on your family. So take some time to assess & make changes as necessary.

You Got This.

Hello, there!

It's been a minute since I've posted. If you're new here, head on over to my About Me page to learn a little bit about who I am & what Within Our Walls is all about.

Anywho, today let's get in some #realtalk tonight. Let me just tell you that postpartum depression & anxiety ain't no joke, in case you were wondering. I had an amazing pregnancy (for the most part), & I was so excited to be a mom. But bringing home my little bundle of joy proved to be so much more difficult than I anticipated.

I felt myself spiraling out of control, calling my husband almost daily to come home early. He's the best & never complained when I needed him, thankfully.

Going back to work was a dream for me. I got some "me" time & enjoyed coming home to see my little boy. But when he wouldn't do what I expected him to (i.e. go to sleep right on time without a fight, sleep through the night, etc. etc. etc.) I'd find myself quickly getting frustrated. Finally, I came to terms with the fact that what I was experiencing wasn't just "baby blues".

I went to the doctor and learned that my feelings were normal. Postpartum hormones are wacky, folks. And sometimes getting that balance back in your life takes some help to boost you along. Reaching out for help shouldn't be shameful or embarrassing, it should be empowering.

The easiest way to lose control is to ignore the warning signs and not reach out.

So, mamas, talk to a friend, reach out to a doctor or a midwife, lean on your significant other, call your mom. Do what will help you the most. At the end of the day, it all comes down to this: you can do this. It may not come as naturally as you imagined, and it may not be the most glamorous gig in the world (#spitup), but you got this!

Coping With Motherhood.

So the title of this post seems a little dismal, but I can't skip the details of this journey called motherhood. Strap in for the ride, folks!

Let me just say that I have wanted to be a mom for literally my entire life. I always, always, always planned to stay home with my kiddos & live in the bliss of life as a full-time stay-at-home mom. Well, things don't always go as planned. Since my husband is working on his master's degree, I work full-time. And I absolutely love it.

When our sweet baby G came, I was very anxious to go back to working & being away from such a tiny, perfect little soul. Now that I am back to my "regular" schedule, I feel comfortable with life as a working mom.

In the spirit of transparency, I'll be frank: I have struggled emotionally since my boy was born. I have tried to manage it on my own, but I have come to a crossroads with my feelings & it's time for me to get some help. This is very hard for me to even admit to myself, much less anyone else. But I know that other mamas may see this & feel comfort. So I'll lay it all on the line.

Dealing with a crying little one is tough & work is my escape. I've felt an immense amount of shame for feeling this way, but it is what it is. I admire stay-at-home moms so much because I genuinely don't know if I could handle it. Of course I love my baby & want only the best for him, but sometimes I just cannot seem to comfort him, & my anxiety goes through the roof. For anyone who is feeling this way, know this: it's okay to want to have some alone time, it's okay to ask for help, & it is okay to put you before baby.

I didn't know what I was getting into with this whole motherhood gig, but let me say that I wouldn't change the way things are for anything. I prioritize my emotional & mental health so that when I am home with my baby, I can be okay. I definitely still have a ways to go with my patience, but I am slowly learning how to do it.

I know so many moms can just jump right in and do it, but if you are the mom who needs a little extra help, it is okay. Don't ignore those feelings, because it won't go away without support from others.

Life is constantly changing, & your little babies won't be that way for long. Do what you can to enjoy the ride! I know that being the best mom for my little G means that I need to have plenty of "me" time, & that working is okay. For others, it may be that you need to quit working so that you can put all your energy into baby. Whatever it is, be the best mama you can be!

Finding a Balance.

Whether you're a working parent, a stay-at-home parent, a work-from-home parent, or a student parent, finding the right balance is essential for survival.

Parenting already has a steep learning curve, but throw in real life & you'll be begging for some normalcy. Adjusting to real life will take plenty of time, & unfortunately there's no one size fits all answer on how to make that adjustment (my parenting mantra is "just wing it"). But the good news is that it can be done.

Don't be too harsh on yourself or your spouse as you re-acclimate to your life while juggling being a new parent. Don't feel bad about having to leave your sweet baby to go to work/school/etc. Don't feel bad about not getting that load of laundry in. Or, if you're like me, you need to get that laundry done in order to really be the best parent you can be.

It might take a little trial and error to find the right balance between your adult responsibilities & your time at home, but that's okay. One day it'll just click into place & you will feel like superwoman. Until then, enjoy the beautiful mess of parenthood.

Your job is to make sure you are able to be the best parent you can be. So do what you gotta do, mama, & soak up those baby snuggles every chance you get!

My Advice for New Mamas.

**Disclaimer: Everyone is different. Your experience may vary.

Being a mama is hard. There will be moments that you will cry (from the hormones, from the exhaustion, from the joy, from the frustration... you get where I'm going). There will be moments that you honestly cannot believe that this is your life now. There will be moments where you miss the way your life was before, & others where you just can't remember what it was like without this little innocent soul in your home.

And there's no manual for this wild ride, folks. That's right, planners, get ready to "wing it" for the first time in your life. Regardless of all that, here are my tips for all you brand new mamas.

1. Breastfeeding is hard. Talk to that lactation consultant, switch to formula, or pump so your man can help with the feedings while you get some sleep. Do whatever will help you maintain your sanity. Which reminds me...

2. Maintain your sanity. Seriously, you may have dreamed of being a mom your whole life (ahem, hello folks), & then when it's really happening you might feel like exploding because it's not as natural as you thought it might be. But that's okay. Just do whatever it is that will help you be the best mom you can be. Take a break, do something you enjoy, go out, sleep!

3. Remember that if your baby is fed, changed, & loved, that is all you can do. Sometimes babies just cry, & that's not your fault. (Make sure he/she isn't hurt or sick of course!)

4. Let daddy (or grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, etc.) take over for a while so you can feel like a normal person again. You are not a zombie. You don't have to spend the rest of your life covered in spit up & wearing sweatpants. You'll feel better to get dressed up, put some make up on, & go out for once. Don't feel guilty for taking some "me time" either!

5. Ignore all the advice (except what actually seems legitimate). I know, I know, I just gave you my advice, but you can take it or leave it! At the end of the day, you are mama, & that means you (& daddy!) know best. Do what works for you.

XO, & good luck mamas!